5 Moustachioed Comedy Characters

To celebrate Movemeber, here are five classic tash-sporting comedy stock characters:

5. The Pig
As worn by: Sherman Klump (The Klumps), Mr Creosote (The Meaning Of Life), Ron Jeremy. A disgusting flatulent lump. May have a sweet side, but certainly the last person you’d want to meet on a blind date.

4. The Comedy-Action Hero 
As worn by: Machete, Black Dynamite, Big Daddy (Kick-Ass). A troubled badass hell-bent on revenge. Moustache is quite possibly the source of their power.

3. The Sexist
As worn by: Ron Burgundy (Anchorman), White Goodman (Dodgeball), Uncle Rico (Napoleon Dynamite). A misogynist whose unsuccessfully attempts at seduction result in rage and/or inadequacy issues.

2. The Wise Man
As worn by: The Stranger (The Big Lebowski), Derek Smalls (This Is Spinal Tap), Sir Bedevere (The Holy Grail). The most trustworthy and learned of the cast. Usually calm in the face of adversity, an readily provides sage knowledge and advice.

1. The Clown
As worn by: Charlie Chaplin (The Great Dictator), Groucho Marx (Monkey Business), Borat. Use the moustache as a prop for comic effect. Perceived as dimwitted to those above their class, though undermine the bourgeoisie through subversion and wit. 

Have 3D films not become a little two-dimensional?

I am optimistic about Arthur Christmas. Not only because of its strong British cast, and favourable reviews, but also because it is one of a small minority of 3D films with an original screenplay. In fact, of the forty 3D films released in 2011, only five are feature films that aren’t sequels, remakes or adaptations. Even when you discount the thirty adapted screenplays and the five 3D stage shows, the remaining five original films include Drive Angry, Sanctum and Shark Night, which have all received rotten reviews from critics and audiences alike.

Why is it then that only two original films, Arthur Christmas and Rio, have impressed when released in 3D? Some will say that obviously 3D films cost more and make more than their 2D counterparts. Audiences have to pay more to see them, and studios aren’t going to risk huge losses by bankrolling new and radical films for 3D release. But why the lack of original screenplays? Have movie-going audiences become so asinine and docile that they can only handle characters and situations they’ve seen before? This year has seen more film sequels released than any other, with original concept films becoming an increasing rarity.

I dread a future where a screenwriter’s job is to simply adapt old material. I would implore you to only go and see 3D films with original screenplays, but I’m not so naïve as to think that Rio 2 isn’t already in pre-production. No, the only option for the original film lover is to spend your money watching fresh and original 2D releases - boycotting the 3D monster entirely. Don’t feed it your ticket stubs because it will not be sated until 90-year old Jack Sparrow is staggering about fighting the Jigsaw killer in Pirates Of The Caribbean 21: The Final Destination of Kung Fu Piranha’s Fast Cars Transformer 3D.

5 Horrorble Mothers

5. Lynn Sear – The Sixth Sense

Cole Sear is haunted by visions of the dead. He confides in his therapist who, spoiler alert, turns out to be a ghost. So throughout the entire film Cole’s mother never attempted to seek help for her clearly troubled son. Scarily inadequate parenting.

4. Margaret White – Carrie

Carrie is humiliated at school after overreacting to her first period. It’s no surprise considering her mother is a religious zealot who poisons her daughter into thinking she’s leaking liquid sin. Her manipulation ultimately transforms Carrie from an innocent girl into a raging telekinetic monster.

3. Mrs. Voorhes – Friday The 13^th

Camp counsellors are stalked and murdered in this knife-wielding POV slasher. Twenty years prior to the franchise-destroying Jason X, the schizophrenic Mrs. Voorhes was the original Crystal Lake killer, seeking vengeance for her drowned son.

2. Vera Cosgrove - Braindead

When Lionel’s mother is bitten by a rat-monkey, all hell breaks loose. Extremities drop off, a vicar kicks arse for the lord, corpses procreate, gallons of blood is spilt and zombies are obliterated by a lawnmower. Yet nothing is more grotesque than Lionel’s giant undead mother beckoning him to return to her oversized womb. “Come to mummy, Lionel!”

1. Norman Bates’ “Mother” - Psycho

Psycho established the archetype of the horror mother, and the psychotic-slasher subgenre. The Oedipal Norman Bates’ attempts to subdue his mother’s bloodlust, coupled with a stabbing scene without a single shot of a knife penetrating flesh, results in a perfect Hitchcockian horror.

Top 5 Intimidating Film Monologues

5) Taken - Upon finding himself on the other end of the phone from his child’s kidnapper, Liam Neeson (you know, the guy who mentored Obi-Wan Kenobi and Batman) coolly explains at length that not only is he expertly trained for this exact situation but also “…I will find you, and I will kill you.”

4) Full Metal Jacket – Gunnery Sergeant Hartman welcomes his ‘maggots’ to their first day of marine corps training with an improvised, expletive-ridden brow-beating. It speaks volumes for this scene that the least profane quote I can offer is: “How tall are you, Private…? 5”9? I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!”

3) Taxi Driver – The hairs on the back of my neck stood up when watching Robert DeNiro’s career-defining portrayal of the sociopath Travis Bickle, as he stares into the mirror and delivers the line “You talkin’ to me?”

2) Dirty Harry – When Clint Eastwood’s Detective Harry Callaghan apprehends a serial killer within grabbing distance of their weapon, he slowly raises his .44 Magnum, “the most powerful handgun in the world”, and asks: “Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?”

1) Pulp Fiction – “…And you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.” Samuel L. Jackson’s wide-eyed recital of Ezekial 25:17 is not only the conclusion to one of my favourite scenes in cinema, but is also the last thing any criminal wants to hear. Unfortunately for them, it probably will be.